It’s like a switch has gone off in me. No…I’m not the fifth Cylon. But I’m confident that my depression, while not hormone based, was hormone triggered. It seems to have waned with my morning sickness–the root causes are still there, but the fog I was in has mostly disipated.
I’ll tell you stories of the last few weeks soon, but I’ll give the highlights today:
*The NT went well–the neck and nasal bone measurements were great. We’re still waiting on the blood tests.
*They couldn’t find the heartbeat at the 12 week exam by doppler, so we got another ultrasound (which takes us up to 4!!)
*We told my parents and Mr. JBs parents. Mine were thrilled, which was a surprise. His were subdued. We were there for a funeral, so that’s not a surprise. His mother was hurt, wounded that we hadn’t kept her abreast of every thing that happened in the meantime. She was also dwelling on the fact that we live so far away (3 hours, as opposed to next door). We saw her the following weekend and she was a little better. I expect we’ll have ups and downs there.
*As far as the pregnancy goes, I’ve been really zen. Nothing phases me. I’m battle scarred and hardened from the stories I hear, rather than whipped into a lather about what could be wrong today. I’m not worried all the time. I’m not freaked out by every little pain or twinge. My only panic attacks have been about how the baby will come out of me. That has me a touch worried.
*We’ve been brave and purchased a few baby things. A couple of outfits. Some washcloths. Just little things. That are put in a box. In a closet. On a shelf.
*I’ve been sleeping. A Lot. On my side, like a good girl. Despite the fact that I’ve been a stomach sleeper since birth.
*I told work and they want to know what I’m doing as far as leave goes. I’ve explained again and again that I don’t know and that I don’t need to tell them, but I will try to let them know as soon as decisions are made. They aren’t happy with that. They can go eff themselves.
*Mr JB continues to be great, although the novelty is starting to wear off. He’s still fine with doing chores, but things like rubbing my back are a grand annoyance. It’s fine…I’ll just pay someone to do it. Last night I was mad about it, though. And that causes totally irrational thoughts, like “Well FINE, I’ll just hire a doula to be in the delivery room with me and you can just sit outside, you prick.” Not my finest moment.
*I’m too fat for most of my clothes, but not fat enough for maternity clothes (which all look like bedouin tents, anyway.)
*I, personally, am OK. I’m recovering nicely from the dark place I was in. I wanted to write, but I haven’t had the words. I’ve been overwhelmed at being the most horrible employee ever (which I’m not–new management needed a project (me).) I’ve been overwhelmed by feeling like crap lots of the time (which is getting better.) I’ve been overwhelmed by how much there is to do around the house (which will never all be done.) I’ve been overwhelmed by the idea of staying at home (which I may not have in me.)
*I’ve missed you guys. I’ve turned into a peeping tom into your lives without letting you know I’ve been there.
*I’ve started working on a screenplay. Why? No idea. Just thought my brain needed something to do.
Ok–that’s all for now. I hope I’ll post again tomorrow.