Email me or post here to ask for the password….I’ll get back to you shortly!

(PS–missed you all so much!)

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14w 1d

Saw Baby Mama last night with acquaintance-who-wants-to-be-more Skinny McTweeter.  She’s allright but very wrapped up in her world.  Not someone I can hang with frequently, but to indulge my Tina Fey love with, she was fine.

Worst parts of the movie: LACK OF RESEARCH OR KNOWLEDGE OF THE FEMALE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM.  (seriously.  no idea.  it doesn’t take that much effort to have an RE look at the script for accuracy)  Setting that aside, the last 1/3 of the plot was total crap.  It could have been snappier, quicker, better, but it got bogged down in trying to be cute.  Some really interesting story lines fell off the face of the earth. 

Best parts of the movie: Lots of good one liners, banter and one offs.  Some of the supporting players were outstanding and stole the show every moment they were on screen.    It made me chuckle out loud on a few occasions.

Overall, “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” is a better written and funnier movie, but “Baby Mama” was not without its charms.

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Things are Ok in my world.  I think I’m going to have to sleep apart from Mr. JB if the snoring doesn’t improve.  It’s not so bad that it wakes me up.  My overactive bladder wakes me up.  It’s just that the snoring doesn’t allow me to get back to sleep.

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Talked with Mary Perfect some about the whole shower thing.  I’m not comfortable with the tea-sandwiches and opening gifts in front of everyone, so we decided a couples “Welcome Baby” cook-out would be more appropriate and fun for us.  We’ll play bocce and grill and invite everyone we know.  Presents optional, lots of people I love…it will be good. 

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It’s sinking in with SoccerMan that I’m actually knocked up.  We were chatting a bit yesterday and he was astounded to hear that I ache all over, my hips are starting to loosen, my tummy is starting to show and that I only have 5 1/2 months to go.  He never really thought about that kind of thing…and why would he?  He’s 35, single, hasn’t dated anyone seriously in a few years.  It’s an eye opener for him and will make him a great husband to pregnant woman/father to be (if that happens in his life–I know it’s something he wants, so I hope so. He’s really a wonderful guy and a total catch. He’s just so damned shy…)

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I can’t keep a single thought going for my usual 500 words.  I’m either out of practice (yes) or semi brain dead (yesyes).  So for now it’s snippets.  I’ll be back to normal soon.  Or not.  Who knows?

14w

It’s like a switch has gone off in me.  No…I’m not the fifth Cylon. But I’m confident that my depression, while not hormone based, was hormone triggered.  It seems to have waned with my morning sickness–the root causes are still there, but the fog I was in has mostly disipated.

I’ll tell you stories of the last few weeks soon, but I’ll give the highlights today:

*The NT went well–the neck and nasal bone measurements were great.  We’re still waiting on the blood tests.
*They couldn’t find the heartbeat at the 12 week exam by doppler, so we got another ultrasound (which takes us up to 4!!)
*We told my parents and Mr. JBs parents.  Mine were thrilled, which was a surprise.  His were subdued.  We were there for a funeral, so that’s not a surprise.  His mother was hurt, wounded that we hadn’t kept her abreast of every thing that happened in the meantime.  She was also dwelling on the fact that we live so far away (3 hours, as opposed to next door).  We saw her the following weekend and she was a little better.  I expect we’ll have ups and downs there.
*As far as the pregnancy goes, I’ve been really zen.  Nothing phases me.  I’m battle scarred and hardened from the stories I hear, rather than whipped into a lather about what could be wrong today.  I’m not worried all the time.  I’m not freaked out by every little pain or twinge. My only panic attacks have been about how the baby will come out of me.  That has me a touch worried.
*We’ve been brave and purchased a few baby things.  A couple of outfits.  Some washcloths.  Just little things.  That are put in a box.  In a closet.  On a shelf.
*I’ve been sleeping.  A Lot.  On my side, like a good girl.  Despite the fact that I’ve been a stomach sleeper since birth.
*I told work and they want to know what I’m doing as far as leave goes.  I’ve explained again and again that I don’t know and that I don’t need to tell them, but I will try to let them know as soon as decisions are made.  They aren’t happy with that.  They can go eff themselves.
*Mr JB continues to be great, although the novelty is starting to wear off.  He’s still fine with doing chores, but things like rubbing my back are a grand annoyance.  It’s fine…I’ll just pay someone to do it.  Last night I was mad about it, though.  And that causes totally irrational thoughts, like “Well FINE, I’ll just hire a doula to be in the delivery room with me and you can just sit outside, you prick.”  Not my finest moment.
*I’m too fat for most of my clothes, but not fat enough for maternity clothes (which all look like bedouin tents, anyway.) 
*I, personally, am OK.  I’m recovering nicely from the dark place I was in.  I wanted to write, but I haven’t had the words.  I’ve been overwhelmed at being the most horrible employee ever (which I’m not–new management needed a project (me).)  I’ve been overwhelmed by feeling like crap lots of the time (which is getting better.) I’ve been overwhelmed by how much there is to do around the house (which will never all be done.) I’ve been overwhelmed by the idea of staying at home (which I may not have in me.)
*I’ve missed you guys.  I’ve turned into a peeping tom into your lives without letting you know I’ve been there. 
*I’ve started working on a screenplay.  Why? No idea.  Just thought my brain needed something to do.

Ok–that’s all for now.  I hope I’ll post again tomorrow.

Still out here…still breathing…feeling more like me…and like I’m waking up.

I’ll write a proper post tomorrow.  Thanks for all the thoughts, love and well wishes while I’ve been quiet.  I’ve felt them all and I’m certain they helped.

10w 5d

Nuchal scheduled for Thursday.  It’s been a bitch to get them to give us one and more of a bitch to get them to cover it.  We have to drive to St. Louis for it, but they’re some of the best at performing it.  It’s more accurate than a quad, less invasive than a CVS or Amnio, but I’ll be 6 months shy of 35 on my due date.  Does 6 months really matter at this point?  I already know I have crap eggs because of the PCOS.  I just want to know my actual risk and not my calculated risk.

I’m a bit better today–something closer to myself.  Feeling the blove from all of my internet friends was emensely healing.  Thank you.

I’m still down.  I’ve been befuddled by people who are self-centered or misguided or uncaring.  People I consider close who I’m feeling detatched from.  A work situation that makes me weep for an hour at night and an hour in the morning because I don’t want to go the next day.  I’ve got a plan for quitting if things don’t improve.  It isn’t good for me or for Pinchy. (who is the size of a lime, by the way.  Bizarre.)  

And I’m dealing with guilt over not being happier about this pregnancy.  Wait.  That’s not quite right.  I’m feeling guilty that the happiness I’m feeling about the pregnancy doesn’t automatically make everything else perfect and wonderful.  I still have to deal with me and all the internal stuff that isn’t fixed by magically getting what I want. 

I’m still here…baby seems to be fine.  The hormones are doing a number on my emotions and I’m in the midst of a black depression.  I could give those emo kids a run for their parent’s money.

 

I’ll try to write about it later.  For now, I’ll just let you know I’m still around, just stuck somewhere inside myself, just wondering how I get out.

8w 5d

Last night I had a dream that I was trying to close our building, but people kept sneaking back upstairs and wouldn’t leave. 

I came in this morning to find out that someone had managed to stay in the building last night and tripped the alarm at 3am.

 OK.  Freaky. 

But not as freaky as my 2nd ultrasound, which I’m trying not to flip out about. 

8w 4d

The alarm panel near my desk is sounding beeps every 10 seconds to let us know the battery is low. 

A call is in to the security company to come fix it. 

I am slowly going mad.

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