Posted by: katarinajellybeana | April 29, 2008

Like riding a bike


It’s like a switch has gone off in me.  No…I’m not the fifth Cylon. But I’m confident that my depression, while not hormone based, was hormone triggered.  It seems to have waned with my morning sickness–the root causes are still there, but the fog I was in has mostly disipated.

I’ll tell you stories of the last few weeks soon, but I’ll give the highlights today:

*The NT went well–the neck and nasal bone measurements were great.  We’re still waiting on the blood tests.
*They couldn’t find the heartbeat at the 12 week exam by doppler, so we got another ultrasound (which takes us up to 4!!)
*We told my parents and Mr. JBs parents.  Mine were thrilled, which was a surprise.  His were subdued.  We were there for a funeral, so that’s not a surprise.  His mother was hurt, wounded that we hadn’t kept her abreast of every thing that happened in the meantime.  She was also dwelling on the fact that we live so far away (3 hours, as opposed to next door).  We saw her the following weekend and she was a little better.  I expect we’ll have ups and downs there.
*As far as the pregnancy goes, I’ve been really zen.  Nothing phases me.  I’m battle scarred and hardened from the stories I hear, rather than whipped into a lather about what could be wrong today.  I’m not worried all the time.  I’m not freaked out by every little pain or twinge. My only panic attacks have been about how the baby will come out of me.  That has me a touch worried.
*We’ve been brave and purchased a few baby things.  A couple of outfits.  Some washcloths.  Just little things.  That are put in a box.  In a closet.  On a shelf.
*I’ve been sleeping.  A Lot.  On my side, like a good girl.  Despite the fact that I’ve been a stomach sleeper since birth.
*I told work and they want to know what I’m doing as far as leave goes.  I’ve explained again and again that I don’t know and that I don’t need to tell them, but I will try to let them know as soon as decisions are made.  They aren’t happy with that.  They can go eff themselves.
*Mr JB continues to be great, although the novelty is starting to wear off.  He’s still fine with doing chores, but things like rubbing my back are a grand annoyance.  It’s fine…I’ll just pay someone to do it.  Last night I was mad about it, though.  And that causes totally irrational thoughts, like “Well FINE, I’ll just hire a doula to be in the delivery room with me and you can just sit outside, you prick.”  Not my finest moment.
*I’m too fat for most of my clothes, but not fat enough for maternity clothes (which all look like bedouin tents, anyway.) 
*I, personally, am OK.  I’m recovering nicely from the dark place I was in.  I wanted to write, but I haven’t had the words.  I’ve been overwhelmed at being the most horrible employee ever (which I’m not–new management needed a project (me).)  I’ve been overwhelmed by feeling like crap lots of the time (which is getting better.) I’ve been overwhelmed by how much there is to do around the house (which will never all be done.) I’ve been overwhelmed by the idea of staying at home (which I may not have in me.)
*I’ve missed you guys.  I’ve turned into a peeping tom into your lives without letting you know I’ve been there. 
*I’ve started working on a screenplay.  Why? No idea.  Just thought my brain needed something to do.

Ok–that’s all for now.  I hope I’ll post again tomorrow.

Posted by: katarinajellybeana | April 29, 2008


Still out here…still breathing…feeling more like me…and like I’m waking up.

I’ll write a proper post tomorrow.  Thanks for all the thoughts, love and well wishes while I’ve been quiet.  I’ve felt them all and I’m certain they helped.

Posted by: katarinajellybeana | April 8, 2008

Separate and totally unequal

10w 5d

Nuchal scheduled for Thursday.  It’s been a bitch to get them to give us one and more of a bitch to get them to cover it.  We have to drive to St. Louis for it, but they’re some of the best at performing it.  It’s more accurate than a quad, less invasive than a CVS or Amnio, but I’ll be 6 months shy of 35 on my due date.  Does 6 months really matter at this point?  I already know I have crap eggs because of the PCOS.  I just want to know my actual risk and not my calculated risk.

I’m a bit better today–something closer to myself.  Feeling the blove from all of my internet friends was emensely healing.  Thank you.

I’m still down.  I’ve been befuddled by people who are self-centered or misguided or uncaring.  People I consider close who I’m feeling detatched from.  A work situation that makes me weep for an hour at night and an hour in the morning because I don’t want to go the next day.  I’ve got a plan for quitting if things don’t improve.  It isn’t good for me or for Pinchy. (who is the size of a lime, by the way.  Bizarre.)  

And I’m dealing with guilt over not being happier about this pregnancy.  Wait.  That’s not quite right.  I’m feeling guilty that the happiness I’m feeling about the pregnancy doesn’t automatically make everything else perfect and wonderful.  I still have to deal with me and all the internal stuff that isn’t fixed by magically getting what I want. 

Posted by: katarinajellybeana | April 7, 2008

Still here…

I’m still here…baby seems to be fine.  The hormones are doing a number on my emotions and I’m in the midst of a black depression.  I could give those emo kids a run for their parent’s money.


I’ll try to write about it later.  For now, I’ll just let you know I’m still around, just stuck somewhere inside myself, just wondering how I get out.

Posted by: katarinajellybeana | March 25, 2008

Dream a little dream with me

8w 5d

Last night I had a dream that I was trying to close our building, but people kept sneaking back upstairs and wouldn’t leave. 

I came in this morning to find out that someone had managed to stay in the building last night and tripped the alarm at 3am.

 OK.  Freaky. 

But not as freaky as my 2nd ultrasound, which I’m trying not to flip out about. 

Posted by: katarinajellybeana | March 24, 2008

The rolling and the tolling of the bellsbellsbellsbells

8w 4d

The alarm panel near my desk is sounding beeps every 10 seconds to let us know the battery is low. 

A call is in to the security company to come fix it. 

I am slowly going mad.

Posted by: katarinajellybeana | March 23, 2008

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Posted by: katarinajellybeana | March 21, 2008

I am a breathing timemachine



Last night we had birthday dinner with Mary and Princess Perfect.  Illness has filled their house recently, so I hadn’t seen them in almost two weeks, save a quick lunch with Mary.  When I got in the car, Princess (age 3) was so beside herself with joy that the first intelligible words out of her mouth were “I love you, Katarina!”  Massive ego boost for someone who  has been having a week of feeling like a failure in several aspects of life. 

We went to the local Pie Hole where I ate too much and ended up sick and heartburny, but it was SOOOOO worth it.  Today is Mr. JellyBeana’s birthday, so we celebrated with me calling in sick for work this morning, letting him have the afternoon for baseball napping and then tonight will be an ultra fancy dinner of pizza at our favorite other kind of Pie Hole. 

I’m feeling very thankful and nostalgic today.  Reaching a 2 month anniversary feels very Junior High to me.  Like I should be getting a little white teddy bear holding a red rose during homeroom. 

I’m thankful that Mr. JB has been so radically outstanding.  Yesterday, on his vacation day, he totally gutted the fridge and scrubbed every surface so I could open it again.  He has confirmed that I can quit any time I want, provided I find a way to make sure we don’t eat out most nights like we do now.  Yep.  Got me a keeper. 

I’m thankful that Mary Perfect loved her birthday gift of a big box of Sci.ent.ology books and movie gift certificate.  She got Mr. JB a bottle of good bourbon and a movie gift certificate for the same theatre.  She also brought baby a present…a whole bag of goodies for taking care of me and one sweet little baby bib.  I cried.  Everything seemed so much more real when someone gives you a thing for the thing growing inside you.

I am thankful that Mary Perfect’s story of Preggo Brain was worse than what I’ve experienced so far.  She sat on the couch one day, sobbing, because she thought she’d never be able to read a book again because she wouldn’t be able to follow the story.

I’m thankful that SoccerMan keeps such different hours than I do, so he’s available for 4am phone calls and willing to listen to me complain about work when I can’t sleep.  We also reminisce about the old days.  He and I have such a funny friendship.  We’ve only been in one anothers presense 11 days or so in our lives, but the friendship we built with letters penned on yellow legal pads endured, even with a 10 year hiatus.  Few letters pass between us now…and I miss them quite a lot.  But the frequency with which we confirm the other actually exists is worth the trade. He’s a good friend, always with my best interests at heart.  I am the same for him. 

I’m thankful that my former student got a real live grown up job after 9 months of looking.

I’m thankful that my review was Ok.  Not great, but I knew it wouldn’t be.  Easy things to fix (or continue doing and finally get them noticed, she notes bitterly).  But it also highlights that this isn’t the right job for me any longer.  Too much routine, too little thinking.  I’ve got almsot all the problems of the position solved and fixed.  There are no challenges left. I need creative outlets, I need ideas, I need thoughts.

I’m thankful that the students I have working for me over break have been so amazing and hardworking.  The main burr under my saddle is gone now thanks to their work.  I’ve got plans to reward them.

I am thankful that the Avett Brothers have created this song. The lyrics blow me away.  So sexy, so simple, so brilliant.  I am transported to my youth.

I am thankful that I have hit one of those risk-dropping milestones. 8 weeks.  2 months.  Small sigh of relief. 

Next stop: Ultrasound Tuesday.

Posted by: katarinajellybeana | March 18, 2008

Today I tried to change the chanel with my cell phone.

7w 6d

Yeah.  So the grossness can stop.  Anytime now.  Especially my 2am heartburn appointments.  As can my forgetful, disengaged mind.  Sigh.

Don’t get me wrong.  I am ridiculously excited to have each and every one of my symptoms in the macro sense.  In the microsense, I don’t particularly like carrying plastic grocery bags and gum with me everywhere I go, just in case. 

Overall, I’m still feeling OK.  My brain remains in its primordeal stage.  I am still reading, but not commenting much.  No time at work to comment, as my behavior is causing additional scrutiny of how I’m spending my days (I’m spending them trying to stay awake and trying not to puke, ‘kay?  Sorry I’m not accomplishing more.  Now bugger off.)  Mr. JB has been a delight and wonder.  All is good.

But I kinda want my brain back.

Posted by: katarinajellybeana | March 14, 2008

So…I can quit now, right?


I have to remember that that is the most important thing in my life.

I’m having a rough work day.  Battered, bruised, wondering if this is the right place for me.  It’s not.  Home is. But the money from this job will go a long way in getting us in a good position for when Pinchy arrives.  I just don’t know how long I’ll be able to hold out.

So I’m dreaming of everything else in the world.  Removing myself from here. Imagining myself elsewhere.  Even home on the couch sounds better.

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