Posted by: katarinajellybeana | February 11, 2008

Uncertainty

6dpiui

Nothing.  Other than diminishing sore boobs, fatigue and the occasional random cramp, I feel nothing.  Last time I just FELT more.  I was already starting to suspect and to have little pinchy cramps.  So I don’t feel nothing, I just feel a whole lot less than I did last time.  Mr. JB reminded me that I took lower doses of bravelle for more of this cycle, so that might make the difference.  I just think it didn’t work.

 *****************************************************************************************************

Over the weekend, my super fertile friend, Mary Perfect, offhandedly asked me “Will you every feel comfortable?  Is there any point in the pregnancy when you will feel secure?”

I paused for just a second and firmly, decisively said “No.”

“No? I would think there would be some point where it felt real.”

I thought for a second “I think it will feel real at some point, but that will be even worse. I will never be comfortable.  I know too much.  I have too clear a picture of everything that can go wrong at every stage.  I know stories that haunt me.  I will never be able to believe that it won’t happen to me, because so far it feels like everything HAS happened to me. ”

She looked at me with a head tilt and furrowed brows.  She didn’t like my answer.  She wanted me to admit with a shy smile that I do worry too much.  She wanted me to look at her 6 month along form and really believe that that will happen to me.  She wanted me to say that I KNOW everything will be fine, but that I have my concerns. 

I KNOW nothing of the sort.  

She tried to draw a parellel with irrational fears that creep into her mind about Princess Perfect.   I couldn’t bring myself to try to explain that it’s different.  Yes, I have those too.  This is different. 

I live in a place were I take nothing for granted.  For her a successful pregnancy is still a positive pee stick, but for me the timeline is pushed out to some undetermined time in the future–holding a live, healthy baby? Taking one home? Getting through the first year?

It may change.  I may feel differently if I actually conceive and carry a child to term.  There may be some magical shift in me that turns me into someone who thinks that bad things happen to other people.  I may turn into a baby dust spreader. 

But I won’t. 

The knowledge and insight I’ve gained will stay with me forever.  It doesn’t mean I won’t be happy or excited or hopeful or optimistic or any of those things. 

But I will never be blind again.


Responses

  1. I could have written this post. In fact I almost did a post listing all the symptoms I had last time and haven’t had this time. And I’ve been on a lower dose of follistim too and have wondered if that’s the cause in part but basically don’t believe that much will come from this cycle.

    And I too have wondered – how would I react to a positive at this point? When would I be able to relax and be happy and “take things for granted”. And honestly, I’m not sure….

  2. I know what you mean about never feeling secure in a pregnancy. We know too much about what goes wrong, whereas other people simply have a vague idea but are stunned silly when it happens to them.

    I am thinking good thoughts for you and hoping you are wrong and that it did work.

  3. I hope it worked too, jp.

    ptd–Our parallels astound me sometimes. Didn’t we get our positives on the same day? And now we’re on the same IUI cycle? AND I take the words right outta your mouth?? Craziness.

  4. my DH and i were talking about this exact thing last night.. you took the words out of my mouth.. i completely feel the same way. sometimes i long to be ignorant. it is so very sad that if the day comes when i actually get a + pregnancy test, i will not get to react “normally”..

  5. Getting into my second trimester now and still worried and anxious about every little thing. I don’t think I’ll be truly relaxed until I’m holding the little one in my arms. And even then, I fully expect to freak out on a regular basis.

    Keeping fingers crossed for you this cycle.

  6. “The knowledge and insight I’ve gained will stay with me forever. It doesn’t mean I won’t be happy or excited or hopeful or optimistic or any of those things. ”

    I get it – I am there and i understand your thoughts completely!

  7. I’m almost to term and I’m getting more worried. I don’t think I’ll stop worrying until I’m on my deathbed, and even then, I’ll be worrying.

  8. okay dorky. 6dpiui is too early to feel anything pregnant related. whatever you felt last time was just due to your follicles and afterpains. no obsessing until after 8dpiui!!!

    (trigs)
    and no – you won’t stop worrying. ESPECIALLY being in the blogosphere where you see such terrible things as due date deaths – where the baby just stopped living before entering the world. All you can do is when you do get pregnant, take it each day and enjoy what you’ve got. Hopefully you’ll make it out the other side.

  9. I think that is just one of those things that goes with IF and loss. It’s hard to ever let go and be ok. I know I’m certainly not and don’t know when I will be. I keep telling myself “if I make it through the next appointment” but it’s never enough.

    I like to think I will get there at some point. Maybe if my child turns 21? Maybe then I’ll be over it.

  10. Umm….I don’t we’ll be considering it a happy pregnancy until the kid has a job, is doing well in school, and possibly has a girlfriend/boyfriend. Possibly.

  11. I love you guys. I feel so much more normal. My fertile friend made me feel so cold, so alien…it is a warm place here.

    And Nancy, thank you. That was exactly what I needed. I am very dorky. All the time.

  12. 6dpiui is very very early to have any signs so don’t worry. Each cycle is very different so don’t fret that you are not having twinges or cramps. My last IUI and IVF was crampy but this cycle there is nothing and I haven’t been that emotional either (DH is very happy about that).

    Anyway, it is too early to stress yourself out about symptoms.

  13. i can totally relate. it is like enjoying chicken mcnuggets when you’ve really seen what the chicken they use really looks like. So you’ll worry for 9 more months. Then you’ll be kissing sweet smelling foreheads!

  14. oh what I wouldn’t give to be blissfully ignorant of everything that can go wrong (AND of course have a healthy pregnancy where nothing goes wrong). but after i/f or loss, there is no such thing. tell your friend it will feel real when that healthy baby is in your arms. or I like babybound’s answer too.

    and I agree, KJB, it’s still way too early to feel anything. lots of women have no symptoms until much later… hang in there.
    ~luna

  15. “I will never be able to believe that it won’t happen to me, because so far it feels like everything HAS happened to me.”

    That one sentence neatly sums up how I feel. I don’t think I will ever be able to put that worry behind me. My experiences of both IF & miscarriage mean that I will never take any aspect of pregnancy or motherhood for granted.

    Oh, and please don’t turn into a ‘baby dust spreader’ – if you do, I may have to stop reading!

  16. this is so good of a post.. and so sad that so many of us respond “I FEEL JUST LIKE THIS!”

    Best of luck

  17. I’d say “loss of the blinders” is a definitive symptom of our infertile community. It doesn’t mean that good things don’t – or won’t – happen to any of us. It just means (as you said) that we face those good things without the blinders on. I agree, we all KNOW TOO MUCH… but we can’t just “un-know” it. Maybe I’m too cynical myself, but those blinders never really fit me anyway.

    Baby dust – one of about 3,824,639 reasons I stopped going to certain message boards. Please don’t do that to your readers!

  18. Just for that, I’m sending all of you tubes of glitter with fancy stickers and hand calligraphied labels saying “baby dust.”

    OK…just to clear this up.

    I, KJB, being of semisound mind and less sound body, do hearby promise to never use the term BABYDUST in anything other than an ironic context.

    🙂

  19. And NicaLMN–welcome! Do you have a blog of your own?

  20. Oh, I so get what you mean. I often feel that the saddest part of my struggles with IF is the loss of my innocence. That’s what being blind is, really. It’s the not being able to know. Now we’re out of the cave and can never go back. Alas! It was such a warm, nice cave!! I do have every hope that happiness will find us both eventually, and I have to hope that happiness with knowledge is better than happiness with blinders.

  21. “I will never be able to believe that it won’t happen to me, because so far it feels like everything HAS happened to me. ”

    Wow – Perfectly said and what I think all the time. I USED to be like that.. the blind person who thinks with confidence that all this happens to “other people,” but now I could have said those words that you said and had it fit me perfectly. 😦 We ARE the other people, and always have been.. we were just too blinded to know.

  22. Baby dust…ah yes, I remember those days…god, yeah, those were fun days…when pineapple juice, low-dose aspirin and hot, steamy sex were the answer to all my prayers. haha.


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