Posted by: katarinajellybeana | February 21, 2008

My mind today

16 dpiui: part deux

I’ve decided that I’m going to act like the rest of them today. 

I am going to pretend I’m one of those women who thrives on the excitement of TTC.  Just for today, I want to be like that.  I want to be giddy that I test tomorrow.  I want to feel SURE that this is the time.  I am going to try to quell all the voices of reality and years of disappointment.  I am going to stop pretending I don’t care about every burp or twinge or cramp.  I’m going to shop for baby furniture, look at baby names, dream of little tiny clothes. I am going to think of the baby as a reality, the test will only confirm it. 

Of course, it won’t work.  It will be an act.  I’ll be pretending. But I want to try.

I don’t want to sit here and push down the hope.  I don’t want to put it out of my head.  I don’t want to dismiss my stomach cramps to a combination of too much sugar with my met.  I have grown to hate the phrase “we’ll see!” I’m anxious and nervous and worried and frightened and terrified.  I want to be giddy and excited and positive and happy. 

I am in that place that only those of us who have been in the trenches know.  It’s not the “Oh,  woe is me I haven’t conceived in 3 months” place that others think is the same.  That place is just a little shadowy, but still dappled with light and breezes. 

No, this place is where that certainty-that-no-matter-now-much-you-want-it-it-will-never-happen-to-you grows.  It takes root, spreads, and it’s weedy tendrils choke all those pretty little flowers of hopes and dreams.  Some of those seeds of hope occasionally find little pockets of sunlight and soil.  They begin to spring up, grow, reach for the clouds, only to be overcome by that lurking, snaking knowledge that other people gets their wishes granted, but so far I haven’t.  Chances seem slim that it will happen this time.  I know there are positive signs, but do I want to pin my dreams on symptoms that could mean nothing more than digestive issues and pending mensturation?

 Statistically, I’m only up to 25%.  Normal for everyone else. I guess that it’s my miracle.  They get a miracle in the form of a baby, I get a miracle in the form of a 25% chance at a baby this one time.  And a 75% chance of more  heartbreak. 

I struggle to find that neutral ground to plant my feet on.  The place where I hope, but don’t get my hopes up.  I know full well it doesn’t exist…at least it seems that none of us have found it. Let me know if you get there.  I’m sure it’s next to the Fountain of Youth and the End of the Rainbow.


Responses

  1. Such an emotionally and mentally K-R-A-P-P-Y place to be in. I feel for you, and wish you only the best of results for tomorrow’s beta.

  2. But there is some hope isn’t there – otherwise you would have nothing to push down? Maybe the trick is just letting that small hope (something short of buying a wardrobe of maternity clothes) sit there and tap you on the shoulder once in a while and say “hey, what if it’s positive? Wouldn’t that rock?” I used to allow myself just enough hope to imagine how happy I’d be if I got a positive result – just that one second of my heart lifting up and my mouth springing open. If it doesn’t turn out positive, it won’t suck any less for having had a little hope. Fingers still crossed (which is making it a bit hard to type honestly). 🙂

  3. 16dpiui with no sign of AF means pregnant for me. I pretty much already know you are knocked up! Congrats!

    You know when you O’d this time. And you are 16 days past that. That’s a test in itself. I’d already be getting me cd3 b/w and u/s if it was my u/s!

    Congrats darlin’! You could be the poster child for the reasons to try IUI!

    I’m thinking sticky bean thoughts. I already know you are pregnant, now it’s just up to bean to stick around. Yay for you!

  4. Limbo-land just sucks. And I hate that with everything we do, it still only brings us up to the same chances everyone else has. After my first failed IUI, my family was shocked and thought that these things always worked!! Can you believe it?!?

    But I am going to hope for you, because that hope is the only thing that gets us out of bed in the morning. I can not wait for your beta tomorrow morning.

  5. oh – by the way – 25%, to me, is amazing. With IUIs, my best case scenario is 10%. And yet I still hope with every IUI. 25% is awesome!

  6. Kim–that’s a great way of looking at it! i can hope for a positive tomorrow…just that little bit….it doesn’t mean I have to get my hopes up for everything after, just for tomorrow. wouldn’t it be cool? And excellent finger crossed typing!

    Beth–Thanks for the well wishes–I’m so happy you’re here

    meghan–yes, I can believe it. My parents were that way, too. I had to write down all the statistics for them. Tomorrow…

    Nancy–Can I tell you how much I love you? Thank you for the ass kicking. It makes it much harder to feel sorry for myself.

  7. Fingers are crossed for you!

  8. I think you have such a great attitude and I am crosses all my parts for you!

  9. I think my response falls in the Kim camp of things, but my way of dealing with anxiety of all kinds is repeating a phrase my meditation teacher taught me. Hopefully this comes across as the loving offer that it is, and not preachy.

    It’s just this: “Things are as they are.”

    Your hopes jumping up out of their seats a bit more often than you’d like, your fears, your love love love for this baby, whether it exists or not, your excitement, your past disappointments, your worries – all these things just are. There is no need to try to change any of it. You’re doing great. All your feelings are going to keep visiting you, and you can welcome (or at least tolerate) all of them. They’ll go, too, to make room for the next guest, and come back later. You’re doing great. I’m so proud of you.

    Wishing you all good things x a gazillion.

  10. i was thinking that 16 days after iui sure means pregnant to me, too!

    I say hope hope hope today. Try to do so with abandon!

  11. Kristen–I’m glad you’re so confident for me!

    Anna–I really like the approach of welcoming whatever feeling arrives and tolerating/enjoying it while it’s here. Very zen, very perfect for today.

    Hilary and Farah–I love that you are both still here–all pregnant and beautiful–to wish me well. I’m really thankful to have you both.

  12. sometimes i don’t know how to comment on your words because they are so amazingly eloquent and my words of encouragement will just sound trite. so i’m thinking of just posting a symbol to you.. so you know i am thinking about you..
    so when you see:

    *

    it means i have every finger and toe crossed for you.. it means i hope so very much you get your little sticky bean.. i am cheering for you!! and i am wishing you the best.. and it means you totally rock!

  13. Keeping everything crossed for you!!! Thinking positive beta thoughts!!

  14. I’m hoping and praying for you!!! 🙂

  15. I hope you get your end of the rainbow moment.

  16. Hi KJB – Just wanted to tell you I’m thinking and praying for you!

  17. I can’t believe in just a week of reading your posts I have such strong hope for you. So many emotions and you said it so well. Know that you are strong and that the wait will soon be over. Let yourself pretend. Be giddy and happy because tomorrow may really be your day…you may already have life growing inside you!

  18. I have to agree with nancy here. I know you might not want to get your hopes up, but come on, isn’t it too late for that?! holding out hope for you and the little bellybean!

    you are incredible for not poas’ing all this time, I would’ve caved around 14dpiui…

    oh and I assume your hub doesn’t read your blog or he might be mortified!
    ~luna

  19. I want to wish you all the best for your Beta today. I will be here to share your good news! I can’t wait!

    This is IT! xxxxx

  20. I’m with all of those who think that 16dpiui & no sign of AF is a very good sign indeed.

    Am keeping everything crossed for the beta.

  21. Emilythehopeless–Thanks! I know you’re always there. I like the idea of the symbol and might just steal it. 🙂

    se–you know how sometimes you meet someone and you feel like you’ve known them forever? (even online?)

    Ms. Heathen, bitter feline, emily, giantspeedbump, road blocks and roller coasters and tabi–thank you so much for the well wishes!

    Luna–thank you! And Mr. JB knows about my blog, but may not read it…don’t really know. But he knows about me writing about his noxious gasses. He sighs and shakes his head and says “Cant you just tell them I go to ALL your appointments with you instead?”


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