Posted by: katarinajellybeana | April 8, 2008

Separate and totally unequal

10w 5d

Nuchal scheduled for Thursday.  It’s been a bitch to get them to give us one and more of a bitch to get them to cover it.  We have to drive to St. Louis for it, but they’re some of the best at performing it.  It’s more accurate than a quad, less invasive than a CVS or Amnio, but I’ll be 6 months shy of 35 on my due date.  Does 6 months really matter at this point?  I already know I have crap eggs because of the PCOS.  I just want to know my actual risk and not my calculated risk.

I’m a bit better today–something closer to myself.  Feeling the blove from all of my internet friends was emensely healing.  Thank you.

I’m still down.  I’ve been befuddled by people who are self-centered or misguided or uncaring.  People I consider close who I’m feeling detatched from.  A work situation that makes me weep for an hour at night and an hour in the morning because I don’t want to go the next day.  I’ve got a plan for quitting if things don’t improve.  It isn’t good for me or for Pinchy. (who is the size of a lime, by the way.  Bizarre.)  

And I’m dealing with guilt over not being happier about this pregnancy.  Wait.  That’s not quite right.  I’m feeling guilty that the happiness I’m feeling about the pregnancy doesn’t automatically make everything else perfect and wonderful.  I still have to deal with me and all the internal stuff that isn’t fixed by magically getting what I want. 


  1. “I’m feeling guilty that the happiness I’m feeling about the pregnancy doesn’t automatically make everything else perfect and wonderful. I still have to deal with me and all the internal stuff that isn’t fixed by magically getting what I want”

    You are not alone in those thoughts! Not at all! you just take it easy and take good care of you! I am cheering for you in my corner of the world!

  2. Good luck at the NT. I had mine done last month, and it was amazing to see how quickly the baby had grown. Hopefully that will help cheer you up at least a little.

  3. the first few months of pregnancy are very very hard . The 2nd trimester is sort of OK and the 3rd is pure hell. So don’t worry about your feelings.
    Re: CVS and amnio, risks are absolutely minimal. They were re-estimated recently. If it is important for your to know with certainty you should get one. It won’t be pleasant however! 🙂
    Well, good luck with everything! And don’t feel guilty for bitching. As a male friend said to me when I explained I could not believe how different pregnancy was from my expectations: “Pregnancies are MISERABLE. You are big, tired, bloated, it is HELL. And even if it was hard for you to get pregnant, it does not make your pregnancy any easier on you!”

  4. I think we spend all of our TTC time dreaming and wishing that the world will be all yellow brick road like when we finally conceive. Pregnancy is hard too. Don’t feel guilty. (Oh, and I like the word blove. I haven’t come across that one before).

  5. Oh Katarina — I wish I could magically make everything wonderful for you. The internal stuff is such heavy stuff, eh? I’d carry some of that load for you if I could. Big HUGS to you!

  6. You have been through more than enough. You need not feel guilty about one single thing and you need to be able to give yourself permission to feel everything you are feeling wholly.
    I agree with Emily, man. The internal stuff is far too heavy to carry alone.

  7. You deserve this pregnancy and I am so very happy for you. I hope you are able to work through your internal darkness.

    I’m thinking of you.

  8. I have to admit, I never thought it would be this hard either. I was so concentrated on getting those two pink lines, that I couldn’t see beyond it.

    The physical side of Pregnancy is not much fun, but the emotional side is worse. I can’t bring myself to join the euphoria brigade quite yet. The world stays horribly the same and nothing else changes.

    I’m here for you.


  9. LOTS of hugs. Glad you’re back and so sorry about the up and down hormones/emotions!!

  10. Glad you’re feeling up to blogging…I hope you’ll be able to quit your job in the near future; it sounds like it’s given you so much grief lately. I’ve been in a similar situation and haven’t been able to think of much else other than how to get myself out of my godforsaken job…It can be so miserable…I sympathize.

  11. Good to hear from you! I was slightly worried that you hadn’t posted for a while.

    But sorry to hear that you are feeling so down. I’m thinking of you as you try to work through these complicated feelings.

  12. Hello, got here through Lost and Found and just wanted to introduce myself cine we may be in the same area. I also write at

  13. Just wishing you some relief from the dark days. It is ok to just feel what you feel. Good luck at the upcoming nuchal. Big hugs.

  14. Good luck with the test!! You know we’re all here for ya. 🙂

  15. Sending hugs and good wishes your way. I hope that the scan goes well and you are able to find some relief from your worries.

    Feel as you need to feel; we are all here for you.

  16. Hope the test went well. Just thinking of ya…

  17. Just hoping the test went well and that you are feeling ok.

  18. Sending you lotsa love and some good test result vibes.

  19. Been lurking a little bit and figured now is the time to reveal myself and say “good luck!” Hope it all goes well – and don’t beat your self up over not feeling instantly euphoric. However you feel about it is how you feel about it – its not necessarily good or bad or anything. It just is. Good luck.

  20. thinking of you..

  21. I was thinking about you too…

  22. I was also thinking about you. I hope your test was OK and you are doing fine. xxxxxxx

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